Let's Have A Chat

I know I have been out of the loop in the blog world of recent but I wanted to come back with a bang. I have come to a place of acceptance that I am not perfect. I know, you had doubts right? j/k I am a perfectionist by nature and tend to try and have everything in my life be "just right". And if it isn't, I make sure no one really notices because I can deal with it and at least make it appear to be perfect. Well I am no longer that person. I am real. I have issues. And I plan to let you know about it. Besides, I want to be a motivation and inspiration to other people right? So what is more inspirational than seeing someone deal with an issue or struggle that you can relate to and see them come through the other end in one piece?

I began my pursuit of a better version of me for the same reason most people begin any fitness journey. They want confidence, they want to feel good about themselves. They are tired of being sick. They desire to be healthy and live a long life. I found all these things with my original journey with Revelation Fitness training group here in Austin. I also discovered that I can be an inspiration. I can be motivational. This was honestly my most favorite part about the whole experience. I was given the unique opportunity to step in and be a very large part of people's lives as their trainer, life coach. I found myself caring deeply for my clients and obsessing over their success, their exercise routines I created, what I told them to eat, how to deal with their personal issues and balance life and their pursuit of fitness. I began caring so much that I put myself and my family on the back burner. This was unhealthy and allowed me to make excuses for myself and develop some pretty horrible habits.

I have always loved food. Part of the reason I have always worked out is to balance my love for food and fear of being a fatty. I love the feeling of a cool breeze on a patio with a delicious alcoholic beverage and some good company. I love the feeling of being alone with a good book in a small cafe enjoying a chai latte and scone. I love the feeling after a large Tex Mex meal of complete and utter fullness. I love walking on South Congress and enjoying a Hey Cupcake vanilla dream cupcake with my husband. There are so many things about food that I love that I repressed during my original transformation period due to not having time to mess with it. I had a goal, to be in a bikini in Los Angeles in 12 weeks and there just wasn't time for all those delicious things in life that I enjoyed. I never fully was taught to change my perspective of food but couldn't wait till I could eat it again. After my first show, all I cared about (or the majority of what I cared about) was where my next meal would be. I ate my way through Los Angeles. I somehow only gained 4 pounds over the week but it sparked a feeling in me towards food I had never had before. A feeling that I had to consume it all because I would not be allowed it any more. It was odd, and new and honestly completely opposite of the healthy lifestyle I had been pursing and working so hard for.

 I cleaned up my act and began training again for a show in March. I almost signed up in desperation as I needed something to kick me in the butt and get me back in gear. I somehow pulled it together and did the show. I made last call outs and was devastated that I did so horribly. I felt completely guilty for not being able to control my food cravings and began oddly seeking food to comfort me. I started episodes of binge eating.

I have never had this issue before. I would eat alone, so no one would no I had the issue. I would eat until I was sick. I would then feel mentally and emotionally drained from it and developed so much guilt. It started just once or twice a week, but then it got so bad I would have an episode about every other day. I gained nearly 20 pounds was right back where I started back in October in just a matter of weeks. I didn't disclose this to ANYONE, not even my husband because I was so ashamed. I didn't want to admit it was a problem by speaking it out loud. I read a lot of books and even looked up a psychologist. I then heard a podcast on Muscle Girls Inc (podcast 5.9.12)., my favorite pod cast, about binge eating, how much of an issue it was for competitors and how no one liked to talk about it.  I was so moved that Dianna Dahlgren had come to the point where she could talk about it that I was convicted that I did indeed have an issue and I was not being able to control it alone. I broke down to my husband and explained to him the reason why, all though I had been cooking all my food, eating clean in front of him and waking up at 3am to hit the gym, I was not getting the results I wanted because I was secretly binging. Because through all this I did continue to hit the gym and train and meal prep and eat clean, I just ate other things too! I felt a rush of relief after telling my husband and knowing I had his support to get through this. I felt so much better that I told all my coworkers too for additional support and motivation.

I have gotten so much stronger and honestly haven't had a binging episode in over 3 weeks. My body has begun to change dramatically and I am so much stronger mentally and emotionally. I quite my second job training with RevEx, because despite my love for it, working 60 hours a week was leaving me no time to focus on me or my husband and our needs. My life has had a complete 180 since I quite and began to refocus my priorities on my goals and my family. I still have my days. I have been known to sneak some trail mix here and there but when I think back about my past behaviors, I feel like a new person. I can't believe that person ever existed and there was time I felt I could never get better.

I am writing this for you all to read to first and foremost to let you know I am here. I want to be a motivation and an inspiration and help you in any way I can in pursuing a healhty lifestyle. Does that mean I have to be 100% perfect in order to help you? I used think it did, but I don't. We all have our struggles. Let us use one another to help each other grow and become stronger people.

Along those lines I also wanted to express my WHY. One thing that stuck with me the most with my experience with RevEx is knowing and learning your WHY. WHY you get up at 3am and hit the gym. WHY you spend extra money on fresh food and stress about nutrients and calories and best sources of protein. WHY you no longer define or reward your success with food and alcohol but with quality time with the people you love. WHY you care more about waking up in the morning and seeing how your body has changed and improved with your 2 hour workouts and extra sleep over the happy hour you missed with your buddies. What is your WHY?

I did my first bikini competition to prove to myself that I could and to help me reach my overall goal of finally creating a physique I could be proud of. I had no idea I would fall so in love with the competition side of it. I have always been competitive and an athlete. I have also always loved performing. I had so much pride getting on that stage and accepting that 5th place plaque. I stepped off the stage and walked towards my husband and saw a look on his face I had never seen before. Complete and utter proudness for me and my accomplishments. I was bitten by the bug and wanted more. I loved how good I felt about myself. I loved the lights, the makeup, the hair, the glittery suits, the high heels, the performance aspect of my presentation, the competition, the camaraderie between my fellow teammates with Team Bombshell. I felt and still feel like I am a part of something. Something bigger than me.

Every now and then I am sideswiped by the reality that not everyone views what I work so hard for as simply a fun show of displaying hours upon hours of hard work and dedication. I remember showing my mom pictures from my first show and I was so proud of my cellulite free behind and how I had literally created and designed a butt with hard work and alot of squats and weights. She looked at me and said "All I see is butt" with a smile on her face. I then came to realization that not everyone will get it, not everyone will understand my why. There are a bunch of sleazy people out there that do it for different reasons. And honestly, every time I get a taste of it, I want to run away so far from it that I almost hang up my heels and call it a day.

That's not my WHY and I do not want anyone to mistake my WHY for their WHY. So I have decided to commit to not only myself, husband, family, mother, sisters, father, in laws, etc... but also you to keep it tight, keep it real and most of all keep it classy! Is it necessary to pose in my underware for photo shoots? I can choose to not display my hard work in that way. I believe I can be a classy and real inspiration and motivation to you all. My mother looked at me at lunch the other day with tears almost in her eyes as I excitedly rambled on about my hopes and dreams of becoming a fitness model and IFBB bikini pro. She simply said, "Remember what your name means. It means woman of discretion." I at first was hurt that she would have any doubts that I would ever forsake that name right. But I then stepped out of my box and tried to look on from her prospective and I understand. I understand when you see pictures of my butt in a bikini you or others might not be admiring my gluteal/hamstring tie in. You might not think "Man she must have trained 3 days a week on glutes". You might simply see butt. But it is my promise to myself and you all that I will prove that I can pursue my WHY and keep it classy.

 The art of competing keeps me motivated and inspired to continue improving my physique and it fills alot of holes of my love for competition, athleticism and performance that I had been missing. I find alot of joy and purpose in it and feel that I am doing the right thing by investing time and efforts into this dream. I do not feel it is a stupid dream. I believe it is my dream. And I will continue to work my hardest and do my best to bring a beautiful and tight physique in a way that is uplifting, motivating and inspiring and runs from the griddy, nasty, side of the industry.

Here is to not being perfect! Here is to improving! Here is to honesty! Here is to dreaming! Here is to having a WHY! Here is to inspiring! Here is to becoming a better version of me!

- Whittney C.